Ya know I was thinking the last few days…I am a pretty damn strong person. I’d have to be to go through the things i’ve gone through in my life and still be here today. I certainly won’t claim to be some super hero because I know it’s been extremely difficult on my friends when I was going through the crap. My faith in myself was never as strong as it should have been.
So like the Phoenix, I rise from the ashes to be a brighter and stronger person……
what defines a good life? what defines whether one is living or just existing?
i feel like I’m just existing. like im not really alive. my psychiatrist says it’s “faking it until you make it” I feel like I’ve been faking it my whole life. I don’t really fit in anywhere. even my close friends call me “the crazy one”.
am I so messed up that life will always feel like this, always feel like the outsider looking in on the party but never an integral part of the party. and never invited to the party.
seems like so many around me are happy and content with their lives. they have love, jobs, homes, and a close circle of friends that values them and includes them in their life.
I’m the after thought the one that gets invited because people feel sorry for me not because I would add something to the party that everyone would enjoy. I’m tolerated.
then there is love that oh so fleetful emotion that is like a drug. once you’ve had it you want it. it seems though that it is just a dream for me. a disappointment. false hopes and hurt. rejection is the worst. but to be told you’re perfect except for that little thing called hiv. its crazy. then you meet someone who is also poz and they think you’re cute (least they said so) and you are very attracted to them. from your online profiles you have very similar interests. and yet today comes the stab. “I don’t want anything serious”, he says. so trip over to meet him is canceled. and life goes on.
God, if youre listening can you give me a break? let some good things happen in my life for a while please.
t
I’ve been asked why I call him Sinatra. Well I needed a name to call “him” that would protect his identity yet give me an easy way to talk about him. I was blogging and just sort of popped into my head to call him that because the first and only song he sang to me was “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” by Frank Sinatra. So just sort of made sense to use Sinatra as a pseudonym.
I don’t think he reads my blog, we’re not even facebook friends right now…..I believe because he’s trying hard not to develop deeper feelings for me because it’s too scary. I wish I could take all his fear away. I’d never ever do anything to put him at risk EVER! I’d sooner die than do anything that would harm him.
It’s especially difficult for him to contract it from me since my viral load is undetectable and my CD4 cells are almost 900 (anything above 400 is normal). I would literally (at least I’ve been told by my doctor) would have to be dripping blood into an open wound of his to infect him with my viral load undetectable. I’m extremely careful about bleeding, I immediately wash and bandage any cut to protect others. I understand his fear, I do. Before I became poz, I was as fearful of hiv myself. But I didn’t and I’m sure he doesn’t realize just how extremely hurtful it is to be completely avoided and shunned because of being poz. We can still hug, cuddle, kiss, and have close body contact without any risk to him.
HIV has never effected my life in any way other than dating……people don’t realize just how absolutely painful being rejected for that reason alone is. I’ve had several guys tell me I was the perfect guy if only I wasn’t poz…….WELL poo on them. I believe I am the perfect guy, just the way I am right now. I have all this love and affection to give someone and I promise some guy (I wish it was Sinatra) will be a very lucky guy to receive it.
t
I’ve always believed that love can and does conquer all….
Even the Bible says that Love is stronger than death. So can love overcome fear?
So far it hasn’t……have I been wrong all along about Love being the strongest force ever?
Have I been so cursed that even Love doesn’t work for me?
I pray, I beg, I plead to God, who is Love – let that love come forth and give me some hope. Don’t let this too fail in my life and further cause me to sink below the depths.
Let some goodness fall my way for a while…..Some has started with me being able to get my left eye fixed so I don’t look like a freak. Let, I pray, love not fail me…..let it shine forth and ease his fear so that we can be friends at least……
let love prevail…
Well I finally got Sinatra to talk to me and tell me what his issue with me is….I sent him an email asking him to give me the courtesy of telling me why he gets pissed and stops talking to me without some sort of an explanation.
He responded and basically said…..you’re poz, I’m scared I’ll be infected and I can’t be your friend because I’m too attracted to you to just be a friend…….
It hurts….hurts so much…..I don’t have the words to describe the pain. He couldn’t have hurt me anymore if he had cut my heart out with a spoon. At least I was honest with him from the start and I went to great lengths to protect him.
But I can only wish him happiness in his life……
This song by Jo Dee Messina is very fitting
I wish
It’s not easy saying this to you
It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do
But boy before you go
I want you to knowI wish you strength
When times are hard
Oh I wish with all my heart you find what
you’re looking for
I wish you joy
I wish you peace
And that every star you see’s within your reach
And I wish you still loved meI wish that things were different you know that
But still I’m happy for the time we had
You mean the world to me
Baby please believeI wish you strength
When times are hard
Oh I wish with all my heart you find what
you’re looking for
I wish you joy
I wish you peace
And that every star you see’s within your reach
And I wish you still loved meLosing you is tearing me apart
But a part of me will be with you no matter where you areI wish you strength
When times are hard
Oh I wish with all my heart you find what
you’re looking for
I wish you joy
I wish you peace
And that every star you see’s within your reach
And I wish you still loved me
I had a dream last night that Sinatra showed up on my doorstep. he knocked on the door and I opened it and before either of us could say anything he grabbed me and wrapped his arms around me and just held me close to his chest. Of course I cried and he just held me.
In the dream I wasn’t sure why he had showed up. I thought he was gone for good…mad at me….disgusted with me……
He pulled away from me slightly and took his hand and lifted my chin up and he kissed me and stroked my cheek with his hand. He didn’t have to say a word….as Cher says…It’s in his kiss. I could tell he was here to stay that he regretted how things had been before and that he wanted me as much as I wanted him.
we spent the night holding each other, touching each other, being playful..wrestling and acting silly with each other. We finally fell asleep spooning…..we fit together so perfectly…better than any other person I’ve ever cuddled with.
Oh well…..a boy can dream can’t he……
What is a romantic date for me?
Well it consists of doing something that allows us to interact, talk, and laugh. Something like bowling, taking a walk in the woods while it’s snowing, going to the zoo. It’s walking around downtown and you showing me the interesting buildings you like, pointing out the unique architecture. It’s you telling me your hopes and dreams for your life and trusting that I will hold them as gently as if they were my own hopes and dreams. It includes lots of playfulness and joking, affection, being held, and holding. A picnic in the park or if it’s too cold/hot in the living room floor. It’s cuddling, making each other feel special. It’s you standing behind me wrapping your arms around me as we watch the fireworks explode or laying on a blanket together looking up at the stars. It’s kissing your neck and you kissing mine, it’s kissing on the lips, it’s that look in our eyes that tells the other they’re the only man in the world. It’s having a slow dance whether there’s music or not…..
It’s having a meal together and sharing the dessert. It’s not having it end with you leaving but with us cuddling up together in the bed and you wrapping your arms around me draping your leg over me and us falling asleep in each others’ arms. It’s waking up still intertwined in each others’ arms and sharing a kiss even with our morning breath. It’s not rushing to get up but enjoying just laying there……
It’s a dream I know….but maybe one day.
Well I don’t know what to think. Sinatra seems to keep popping into my life. He sent a txt last night asking if I was mad at him. Amazing as it may seem, I could never be mad at him. And even when I am upset with him all he has to do is wrap his arms around me and I’m his. I’m whipped. I fit perfectly in the crook, you know that part of a man’s armpit as you cuddle close. We fit together like a puzzle piece, like I was always meant to be there. It feels safe,good, and perfect. His arms wrapped around me, spooning. He said it too, that we fit together perfectly.
I am jealous, hurt, and confused though. The last guy he dated, Sinatra said he loved him. I’m jealous the meathead got that from him. Sinatra did tell me once that he loved me, but I think he only said it because I was crying and he thought it would make me feel better. I’m jealous of the meathead. I’m hurt because I know I will never have his love. I can only hope that we can be friends. I’m confused because I don’t know what meathead had that I don’t. What is it about meathead that made him fall for him?
As much as I would love to call him my boyfriend, I want him to be happy more than that. If that means him being with someone else, as much as that would hurt me, then that has to be what I want. His happiness means more to me than me being with him.
Though I still have the dream that one day he will knock on my door and sing the song, “I’ve got you under my skin”. Which in my mind would be him saying he loved me and wanted to be with me……..sappy romantic I know but a boy can dream can’t he…..?
t
Sometimes I feel like I am cursed. Like nothing seems to work out for me. I long for happiness, security, affection, romance, and joy. It feels like the harder I try the deeper I sink, the worse it gets.
I recently had two days of hope for the future yet that faded away as quickly as it came. Why must things always be taken from me? I do try so hard and yet it feels like it’s in vain.
He is amazing, my “teenage dream”, my muse in a sense. His arms fit perfectly around me and makes me feel as though I’m protected from the world. The way he makes me feel when he looks at me with those beautiful eyes. unfortunately it’s not to be……at least for now. Is he scared, confused, unsure, overwhelmed by the emotions? I dont know he wont talk to me. So I release him back to the world, I hope that he might someday come back to me but I wont hold my breath for it to happen. I wish him all the best in life because he deserves it.
t
How long must I pray
Must I pray to you?
How long must I wait
Must I wait for you?
How long till I see your face
See you shining through
I’m on my knees
Begging you to notice me
One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart
One life, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If you’re everything you say you are
Would you come close and hold my heart
I’ve been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I saw good bye
But if there’s no other way
I’m done asking why
I’m on my knees begging you to turn to me
I’m on my knees Father, will you run to me
So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can’t see but I’ll take my chances to hear you call my name
To hear you call my name.
(10th Avenue North � Hold My Heart)
This song says so much of what I’m feeling lately. So many emotions all wrapped up into one. The whole being homeless thing, missing affection…the touch of another person, fear of being alone and without love and romance, fear that all my prayers, hopes, wishes, dreams are falling on deaf ears…or for that matter on no ears at all. Does the maker of the stars hear me……Does the maker care? Am I destined to be alone and without romance? If so, could the maker please come near and hold my heart…..run to me and give me some comfort and peace. I believe, I do, even in those times when it’s so very hard to believe. So very hard to feel any sort of presence at all. Those �forsaken times�. My heart may not feel your presence but my mind knows you are there. My mind knows that somehow things will work out.
I’d give just about anything to have love in my life. To experience true romance. Real honest all encompassing loyalty and devotion with another person. My heart aches for it. To hold and be held, to comfort each other in hard times, to rejoice with each other in good times. To create a life together. My family is quickly fading away. I will soon be left pretty much alone. While my sister and I are close, she has her children. I’m the black sheep the outcast. I am alone without a family of my own. My heart and soul ache to form a family of my own………How long must I wait….
T
